My first experience with the tribe of movers has been very informative. I have learned much of their dietary habits as well mating rituals and language. In my first report I will give an broad overview on the diet of "Movers."
I. Diet
The diet of an average mover can be described as 'rocket fuel,' 'sludge,' or 'ulcertastic.' All movers acquire nutrition from the hunting fields of Super America, Holiday, 7-11, or any other region capable of refueling trucks. A new mover may make the mistake of informing the other mover(s) in his pack that he considers gas station food abhorrent and unappealing. This is a huge mistake that instigates no end of mockery for the poor new mover.
Tornadoes: frozen prepacked tortilla tubes filled with Cheese & Beef & left to sit for several hours or days on the wild savannah heat of a hot dog roller. They are referred to as 'poopsticks' by many movers due to their resemblance to the average turd and their resistance to digestion. I'll let you think that over a while.
Monster: This is an energy drink meant to corrode someone's natural reserve of energy and replace it with one laden with enough chemicals to explode your vascular system. While many movers claim to experience an arrhythmic heart after imbibing 3 over the course of an hour (average mover consumption), it does not stop or kill the majority of the tribe.
Cigarettes: All movers apparently smoke. Some may not know it, but they are inhaling at least 2 packs a week just by the close proximity to other smoking movers. Supposedly, a mover can survive for several weeks on a diet of nothing but cigarettes.
The above 3 sources of nutrition are the primary staples of the Mover diet. I will now expand upon the feasting traditions of the Mover tribe.
Chain smoking: When a Mover is done loading a truck or is sitting in the truck for any reason, he can be mistaken for being on fire given the amount of cigarettes he is able to smoke. Next time you see one in the wild, check to see if he is smoking. Chances are he is on his way to an exciting unload in some suburban wasteland!
Bathroom Destruction: Do NOT under ANY circumstances wait for a Mover to get out of the restroom. Go across the building and use that one. It will be perfectly safe. Given the above information this should be no surprise to you.
Colorful Projectile Vomit: The victuals of the average mover tend to be rather hard on all of their internal organs. As a consequence I have witnessed a mover drink a Potion of Pepto after several cigarettes, and blast a pink cone down the side of the truck. On a separate occasion I witnessed a new Mover attempt the Chain Smoking ritual with 15 Monsters. He stood over a garbage receptacle for 5 minutes expelling colors ranging from Teal, to Blue, to Red, then back to Teal again.
I hope this has been an informative report on the cultural practices of the Mover. I will be adding later editions as I collect data.
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